MAFS 2023 | James Weir recaps episode 11

Married At First Sight’s Sex Week climaxes on Tuesday night when one husband crushes his wife with a brutal revelation, propelling her to chew him up and spit him out like the rank chicken schnitty he tries to romance her with.

Three weeks in and we’ve finally reached that part in the series where producers torture us with filler episodes. These episodes are the carnations of the MAFS season. Tonight is as monotonous and stale as the horny mum’s current sex life.

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Melissa’s situation with Josh is the talk of Australia. Every weekday morning, we’re all gathering around the office ZipTap, gabbing about the horny mum. Even the show’s own voiceover lady has started to squeeze in a few quips.

“The week has resulted in awkward tension … and a bag filled with unused sex toys,” she stifles a giggle as the camera zooms in on the unopened vibrators that Alessandra gave Melissa and Josh last night.

The sunlight dapples through the window of their Trash Tower suite and Melissa sits stone-faced on the sofa. It’s the morning after yet another disastrous sex ambush that ended in screaming. Josh pads out to the living room in his Elmo pyjamas and picks up one of the sex toy boxes strewn on the dining table.

“It looks like a portable speaker,” he observes while studying a vibrating bullet.

Melissa rolls her eyes and looks out the window, wishing Josh would just go outside for a walk so she could play with the … portable speaker.

It has been days since Melissa has had sex and she’s ready to crack. She grabs one of the producers by the collar and shakes him back and forth.

“This is not living – this is not life!” she wails, with a maniacal look in her eye.

And she’s exactly right. This is not The Bachelor mansion — it’s Trash Tower, a palace haunted by the sounds of hate-sex.

Shannon’s still trying to make things right with wife Caitlin after calling her unattractive and then letting it slip that he’s still in love with his ex, with whom he slept just days before getting married on this show. He needs to pull out the big guns. And nothing says “I’m sorry for sleeping with my ex” like Kmart candles and a cold schnitty from the pub down the road.

“I really did try,” he gushes.

Did you? DID YOU?

“I can’t believe I pulled it off,” he puffs, wiping his brow like he just won the 200m sprint at the Olympics.

Meanwhile, Alyssa cuts ties with her Mormon past and has sex with Duncan. It’s a total night of passion. Unfortunately, their apartment shares a wall with Melissa’s and the midnight sounds of desire send her into horny mum mania.

What’s happening with Jesse and Claire? Well, they’re back on speaking terms. And we know something big is about to happen because producers have granted them permission to leave the iron walls of Trash Tower.

“Today I’m taking Jesse to my favourite crystal shop,” Claire beams to us, apparently forgetting that her love of crystals was a big part of the initial argument that split them up in the first place.

Girl, you two have just gotten back together. Don’t cock this up over selenite.

Caitlin and Shannon’s schnitty-fuelled romance doesn’t last long. Just one week after the Hot Or Not challenge that ended with Shannon telling his wife she needed to “level up” in the looks department, producers decide to introduce another task that will provoke some constructive criticism.

The game involves both of them staring into each other’s eyes for five minutes. What could go wrong?

“Shannon and I are in a good place after our cute little date last night,” Caitlin gushes to us. “So, I’m hoping this task brings us closer together.”

It won’t. Cue absolute destruction in five, four, three, two …

“The attraction’s low. You are … a good looking girl. Just … not in my eyes,” he blurts out to her. “I thought you were gonna come down that aisle — yeah? — and completely blow me away.”

He takes a sip of coffee from a mug with a motivational slogan painted on it: “Choose optimism.” Why didn’t you follow the advice of the peppy slogan mug, Shannon? Always listen to the slogan mug!

Caitlin runs outside and starts hyperventilating.

“I don’t know what happened,” she sobs. “It was surreal. I felt like I was getting torn down. I feel sick. I wanted to love someone who wanted to love me!”

She’s completely ruined by her husband’s careless words. And she returns to deliver her own.

“It’s my turn to talk,” she holds up a hand to silence him.

He throws a man-tantrum.

“Ah yeah what are you, my teacher? Alright, dad!” he spits.

“That was degrading,” she informs him.

He interrupts: “(So) I’m just gonna feel like I’ve gotta apologise to you for everything? And when you back yourself you’re always right?”

Caitlin closes her eyes and takes in a deep breath. Then, in a slow, calm voice, she begins the thorough process of chewing him up and spitting him out like the rank schnitty he tried to romance her with.

“I don’t think you can take me backing myself and being assertive in this situation and try to twist it on me – I will not let you,” she states. “I deserve to be defended and I deserve to love myself. Shannon, you don’t need to love me – you don’t even need to like me. But you do need to respect me. I am a brilliant person. It is a privilege to be in this experiment with me. I deserve better.”

“Ughhhhhh,” he groans and flops back on the couch.

Caitlin struts out of the Trash Tower suite. And Shannon is kept awake all night because of the noise coming from Melissa’s portable speaker next door.

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